Which Feel Would You Like?
by Discombobulated Button
Summary: This is my first story and I would appreciate some critiques and such. It's basically a twist on the Alice in Wonderland story, I've been writing for a while. I don't really want to give too much away.


The alarm went off at seven as usual. Alice opened her eyes groggily and slapped the clock with a thud. She laid there a minute, letting the sleepiness ease itself out of her body. She yawned and stretched, fully content on lying there a bit longer but again her clock started yelping loudly. She kicked off her blanket and walked the short path to the bathroom.

She jumped when the light flickered to its full glory and she had to blink a moment or two. When finally accustomed she looked into the mirror. The black rings under her eyes were amplified in the fluorescent lighting. Her hair matched the dull off yellow color of the walls behind her. And her blue eyes lacked the excitement and freshness of what her age implied. The girl Alice saw was not the same as the twenty-year-old woman she was. She seemed worn and aged, ready to be left behind and thrown out. She sighed then bent over to get the day ready.

She let the warm water flow in the tub, letting the steam engulf her in a comforting warm embrace. She stripped naked and put her foot in the shower, testing its warmth, then finally her whole body. She leaned her hands against the wall and let the hot water hit her back and head. It felt as though it washed away her sins and the heaviness of her soul

Alice walked down the street in her pale blue waitress dress. Her hair was slicked back with a high ponytail and her shoes made a small squeak when her foot hit the pavement. She flicked her cigarette to the ground and opened the door to the "Walrus and Carpenter" diner where she worked. She pushed pass the swinging double door labeled "Employees only" and rounded the corner to the small back room. She put her bag and jacket into her open locker and tied the mandatory apron around her waist, ready to start her day at work.

"Alice, why are you late? – Again?" asked Mr. C, half owner of the diner.

"The bus was running late. There was some kind of car accident." She explained as fixed her apron and started making a new pot of coffee.

"Well try to wake up earlier to plan ahead, shall we dear?" he said as he walked away to the kitchen.

She stood there, collecting herself then walked out to the floor and her table.

The diner was quite small and seemed more like a rest stop for families on the road. It was modeled after the famous children's book Alice in Wonderland, hence the name "Walrus and the Carpenter." Plus one of the owners' real names was Carpenter and the other was so fat his nickname was Walrus. The tables were patterned in a deck of cards along with the chairs. The names of the food on the menu were of different characters parodied to make the customers laugh. Those were the only things that resembled the book in any way. Everything else was the reflection of a dinky little diner.

Alice walked through the daily routine of taking orders and cleaning tables. She wouldn't remember their faces or the cute stories they told her. Deep down she knew that she didn't want to remember any of it. When the clock struck five, her shift ended. She walked back to the locker room to get her things. Walking out, Walrus called out to her, beckoning her closer.

"Alice – come here real quick."

She had her jacket and purse, wanting to leave already but she walked over to him for not being rude.

"Yes, Mr. Sanders?" she asked.

"Please my dear, call me Walrus." He corrected with a smile.

"Yes? – Walrus." She asked again.

"Here, my dear." He held out a white paper bag. "Just a small hamburger meal." He looked around for Carpenter, and then whispered behind his hand. "And a slice of apple pie." He smiled again with a twinkle in his eye. She couldn't help but smile too.

"Thank you so much sir." She took it and placed it into her bag.

"Walrus, dear Alice, Walrus." He corrected again. She nodded, and started to walk away.

When she sat at the bus stop, her mind floated back to the kindness of Mr. S. He knew of her situation and he was always so kind to the girls working at the diner. He even called them his little oysters. She smiled at his kindness and boarded the bus.

Alice opened her refrigerator door and looked over all the empty shelf space that was inside of it. She tucked the white paper bag on the second shelf closing the door. She walked slowly to the couch and plopped down. It made a loud groaning sound from her weight and dust lifted into the air. She rubbed her fingertips over the corduroy and closed her eyes. She started to remember the yellow house, snug and cozy, placed so perfectly in the woods. There is smoke coming out of the chimney raising high to the sky. A woman with golden hair stood in a garden of red roses, smiling. She could feel the warmth of man's hand on her own. Alice was lost in the memory when she heard the buzz of the door. She jumped when buzz went off again. She stood up quickly and rushed to the door. A tall, skinny man with shaggy light brown hair was standing there. He kept twitching, his eyes blinking constantly and his hand shook involuntarily at his side. His face looked rugged and unshaved. His jacket had patches and open holes.

"What is it tonight Alice?" he asked with a wide grin which missed a few teeth.

"Caterpillar." She answered, grabbing the bundle of money in the drawer next to the door.

"Is that all?" he pouted, reaching into his jacket.

"It's all I need." She held out the roll of bills.

He took it and flipped through it swiftly. When satisfied that all the money was there, he gingerly placed it in the hidden pocket of his coat. Then he pulled out a small vial of translucent blue liquid that glowed so beautifully in the harsh light of the hallway. He handed it over to Alice and nodded once before walking away. Alice slammed the door and quickly locked it behind him.

She went to the used couch and reached under the worn table in front of her. She pulled forth a worn leather box with the initials R.W. her father. Robert Winchester. One of the few things she had left. Alice opened it slowly, her fingers rubbing against the leather. Opened she took out a syringe and long rubber tube, placed them on the scratched table. Then lastly she picked up a little silver spoon, the last one from her mom's collection, lost long ago. The bottom of the spoon was blackened, hiding the shiny silver coat it once had. She closed the box and her fingers lingered on the worn initials. An echoed voice appeared in her head. It was whimsical but deep and wise.

"Again Alice?" it asked with a disapproving tone.

"Yes." She responded. "No more memories."

"But then how will you remember them?" a wide smile appeared.

"I don't want to. Not now or ever again." She tightened the rubber tube around her upper arm.

The syringe she filled with the cooked blue liquid off the spoon.

"Ahh Alice – you can never really forget."

Slowly the voice and grin disappeared as the liquid spread through her bloodstream. A thick cloud of fog poked its way into her mind and her eyes fluttered shut. The walls surrounding her crumbled away and the couch floated away from beneath her. The light around her faded to the dark.

Alice woke up in a wide open field of licorice-like trees. Beyond them were buildings, a city. Each building was different in its own way but they all stretched out to the sky. Staircases crisscrossing led from building to building connecting them all. The sky was tinted pink with streaks of purple painted in jagged lines. She was lost in the color of the sky when she heard that voice again.

"Hello again, Alice." It said in a polite tone.

"Again? How can it be again if I hardly remember the first time?" she said looking around for a source of the voice.

"Precisely dear Alice. If you can HARDLY remember then there was a small amount of remembrance you posses. Meaning that the memory of our first meeting is slightly visible and not entirely invisible." The voice explained.

She looked up at the lowest branch of a tree and slowly a misty plump face appeared with a wide toothy grin that stretched from one invisible ear to the other.

"How can a memory be invisible?" Alice asked, with a deep furrow in her brow.

"Well goodness to Heaven, do you think that memories were VISIBLE? What a silly girl." The mouth shook from side to side and sighed.

Alice tried to let her mind select the memories of the yellow house which plagued her but she could not. They were nowhere to be found in her mind. Gone, as if erased with the rubber of a pencil.

"Not mine –"she whispered.

"Henceforth, memories are invisible." The mouth smiled again in victory. But slowly it evaporated leaving only the outline of teeth behind.

Alice stood and looked around to her surroundings. The sky seemed to be getting darker and lost the glow it had a moment ago. She decided to seek out shelter since she did not know what creatures lurked in the darkness here.

"Follow the path my dear." The teeth told her.

"What path?" Alice asked, staring at the ground ahead of her.

"Why, the path you are standing you dumb girl."

She looked down and out of the ground, a rusty red path appeared which was etched so precisely. It seemed to make its way to the large metropolis she had seen earlier. Alice debated for a moment whether to listen to the irregular grin that hung in the air but since it was her only option, she did.

Alice started to walk down the path and took notice of her surroundings. Flowers of every color and genus lined the path and the valleys surrounding. The licorice-like trees were much taller and reached for the sky. She heard the crickets play their music and soft buzzing of other creatures.

Then she heard the faint whispering, it seemed to be coming from all sides.

"What an ugly flower."

"Do you suppose she's a weed?"

"Well if she is, we should get rid of her."

"Ghastly looking thing."

"I think she's pretty."

"Shut up you"

"I think she can hear us."

"Hello?" Alice called out.

"Shh –"

"Hello is anyone there?" Alice looked around but saw only the flowers.

"Down here!"

"Shh! Don't tell her!"

Alice stared down and saw a small daisy waving up at her. Alice kneeled and bent closer to the flowers. They had faces and whispered amongst themselves.

"Was that you talking?" Alice asked.

"Who else would it be?" snapped a purple chrysanthemum.

"Oh I am quite sorry. I was just asking." Alice frowned and sat down facing he flowers.

"What kind of flower are you my dear?" asked a slightly withered red rose with a gentle tone.

"Why I am not a flower. Can't you see how much bigger I am?" Alice clarified.

"I told you! She's a weed!" cried out the chrysanthemum.

"A weed!" a group of flowers called out in disgust.

"No. I am a girl. A human." Alice tried explaining but the flowers began yelling and shooing her away. None of them listened to her.

Alice sighed rolling her eyes and got up. She started to dust herself off when she realized she still had her work dress on, however it was altered in some ways. The puffy sleeves were gone and the skirt fell a few inches before her knees. And her shoes were black leather boots which reached half way up her calves. She wondered if her hair was different as well and wished she had some sort of mirror to see it.

"Thinking of one of these?" It was the face she had seen earlier but now it held more detailed and was attached to a head and body of a cat.

The fur was a soft teal color with stripes of a darker blue. His eyes were wide and pure black. His grin covered half his face and stretched from one ear to the other. In his hand was a silver hand mirror, which swayed ever so lightly. Her eyes floated over the framework of the mirror, stopping at the handle. Neatly etched into the back were a large rose surrounded by leaves and little rose buds cascaded down the handle. Her mind floated to a beautiful woman holding the mirror and smiling at Alice. A child stood there with a woman, it was Alice as a child.

"Well Alice?" said the cat. She shivered as the memory wandered back to where it came from. She reached out and took the mirror.

She had color to her face. Her black circles were gone and she had light rose coloring to her cheeks. Her hair was a bright gold and there were soft curls, which framed her face perfectly. Her eyes were a clear blue like the ocean her eyelashes were long and full. She reached up to her face, not sure this was her real face or a trick of the mirror.

Alice gasped and shivered violently. Her eyes blinked constantly and she gagged. She curled into a ball on her musty orange couch. She looked around and her eyes adjusted to the darkness. She saw her scratched coffee table and the small TV standing behind it. Her eyes could see the outline of her box. The used syringe was lying next to the lighter. The spoon still shone in the darkness and it gleamed in her eye. She laid back and stared silently at the ceiling. Her mind slowly came seeping back into her head. Her breathing regulated and her body stopped shivering. She ran her hand over her left arm and sighed.

"It was just a dream Alice." She whispered. "Only a dream."

She sat up slowly and clicked on the light next to her head. Alice was able to see the leather box better in the bright glow of the light. There scratches on the side and grooves along the top. She picked up the little silver spoon. She rubbed it between her fingers, cleaning off some of the ash that had accumulated from the multiple uses. Finally when she was able to see more of the silver coating, she gingerly placed it back into the box with the rubber tube. The vial was already there, staring up at into her eyes casting its spell like always. Alice picked it up bringing it to her face. Her mind twitched in tune with her eye. Involuntarily her hand reached for the spoon, just for one more use but she stopped when her stomach started to grumble with moans of hunger. Remembering the food stowed in the refrigerator, she stood and stretched, walking slowly to the kitchen. Along the way, Alice threw the used syringe into the trash.

"Hmm let's se." she murmured to herself, opening the frig door. She grabbed the white bag and placed it on the counter.

Alice sat on the aged couch, with the plate of food in front of her. She flipped through the channels on her antique television set, settling upon a B-movie with cheap effects. She ate silently, watching the progression of the movie. She finished before the movie but she didn't wait to see the end. She washed the dishes then stalked into her bedroom.

Alice stared at the red illuminated numbers on the face of her clock, as she lay out in her bed waiting her sleep. 11:57. She stared up at the ceiling and thought about the movie she was watching. Finally, while replaying the scene where they kiss, her eyes grow heavy and she drifts off to sleep.

Alice's eyes creaked open, and stared at the clock. One o'clock already. She almost slept the whole day away.

"Out of bed Alice." She whispered to herself. "You must get out of bed."

Sluggishly, she pulled herself up and out of bed. Slowly walking to the phone, she flips it open to see she has three missed calls already.

"Walrus and Carpenter diner, how may I help you?"

"Dinah, it's Alice." She answered

"Alice? Where have you been? Walrus was worried."

"Just had a rough night and I didn't hear my alarm." Alice explained.

Dinah began to whisper "Alice is there something else wrong?" Alice could hear the concern in her friend's voice.

"It's the truth Dinah. I had nightmares again which kept me up. I kept waking up and having a hard time to fall back asleep."

There was a slight pause then Alice heard a sigh.

"Okay Alice. Just know that I am always here okay? If you need to talk or anything." Dinah told her.

"Thanks Dinah," Alice's mouth stretched into a damaged smile. "Can you tell Mr. C, I'll work two shifts next week to make up for today?"

"Okay, I will. Get some rest and feel better."

"I will. Thanks Dinah."

"Bye Alice."

Alice placed her phone back on the shelf where it was charging. She staggered back to the couch. Everything was laid out on the table, a new syringe and the spoon was cleaned for a new use.

She plopped on the couch with her head resting in her hands. Her fingers slowly rubbed her temples, tears flowing down her cheeks. Alice sobbed quietly, her brain trying to remember what life was like before all of this. Before the aching and the tears. Before the pain and shattered memories. But she couldn't, her mind wasn't as it was before and never would be. So used and abused after these long years, it was never the same never could be the same. Her body shook intensely as the sobs grew louder and fiercer. Through the tears she wiped away, Alice reached for the spoon the little vial, which smiled at her with a mocking grin. She lit the match then filled the needle when it was done. The voice never came to stop her.

She was lying on the path of rusty red when her eyes flutter open. The sky was a lighter pink, with yellow blended perfectly. The trees reached the sky and she was surrounded by them. Standing she noticed the trees cleared the horizon.

She reached the opening and down below was a small clearing with a quaint town carved in the countryside. Beyond, the landscape not far in the distance was the large metropolis Alice saw before. She could hear singing and laughing from the house closest to her. It was a tall yellow cottage with large bay front windows. The door was uneven but it still looked symmetrical on the house. The whole house titled vaguely to the right and the chimney let out faint tufts of smoke.

Alice walked slowly up to the door. She knocked but when no answer came, she reached out for the ancient rusted door knob.

The inside of the house was even more peculiar. In the small room, she entered all the walls were painted separate colors. One was a striped purple while the opposite wall was painted a bright orange with a pattern of little squares of a darker orange. There was a wall of pure mint green, littered with empty pictures frames of different designs and colors. The last wall was painted a light baby pink with shelf upon shelf of teacups. The teacups were different sizes and different designs; some were chipped and missing pieces. Other than the teacups and pictures frames, the room was completely bare. There wasn't even dust on the shelves or litter on the floor that Alice could visibly see.

"Hello?" Alice called out. "May I come in?"

Alice stayed at the doorstep, determining whether entering would be rude or not. But curiosity got the best of her wits and she ventured further into the peculiar house. The hall to the right of her was shrouded in darkness, appearing to be long for such a small-looking house. She walked down the hallway hoping to reach a room or door to find someone. Finally, she had reached a corner; the only place to turn was left. Alice shook her head, how many turns had she made already? Four or five, maybe it was eight. A slow extended breath edged out her hanging mouth, her heart propelled cripplingly as her eyes sought for an exit out this nightmare. Her steps precise and cautious led her through hallway after hallway, till at last her eyes caught the glow of a dim light ahead of her. Her steps boosted her towards the light. With each step, her heart leapt at the chance of being out the dark. Rounding the final corner, Alice let out the last lingering spurt of breath from her lungs. Her eyes expanded and her feet twisted her body in a sick little dance. The colors, the frames, the teacups! It was the same room as before. Nothing had changed, nothing had moved. 'What was this?' Alice thought. How could she have walked so many hallways to end up in the exact same room as before? The ends of her mouth turned down and her heart beat steadily but faint. She closed her eyes and allowed her breathing to even out. Her brain need to function, she needed to plan out her next move. But when she opened her eyes, everything had changed.

Alice was in the same room as before, yet it had changed in that small amount time her eyes were closed. The room had stretched to three times its normal size. The paint was the same, the only reminiscent of the past room. A grand oak table stood tall in the middle of the room. Surrounding it were different chairs, different sizes. A stained white cloth draped the table and lastly the teacups. The teacups she had seen before were settled on the table. Each cup was beautifully decorated in its own way. They had colors of all sorts and designs of all imaginable. They were all lined up in order, right in front of the chairs. They waited for the unknown guests who had forgotten all about them. Alice lingered there, taking in the splendor of the table, of the teacups, when a faint voice on the wind reached her ears. It was a singing voice, squeaky and off-key. Alice was drawn to the voice and with each pass of the chairs, it grew in volume.

"Tea! Tea! Some for you! Some for me! Never again in the same cup! Drink drink it up!"

Through the haze of the tea, Alice saw a lone figure at the far end of the long table. She ambled nearer, as the singing increased.

"Twinkle twinkle little bat,

How I wonder where you're at,

Up above the clouds so high,

Like a tea train in the sky!"

"Hello?" whispered Alice. The singing stopped abruptly, stalling Alice in her tracks.

"Tea, dearie?" A small squeaky voice rang in Alice's ears.

A groan tumbled from a chair, and a delicate, shadowed figure crept towards Alice. Clear in the light, she was able to put a face to the voice. The woman's' face was ragged and worn. Her murky russet hair held patches of silky silver streaks tucked behind her ear. Her eyes, sullen and fidgety, bore into Alice. She had two lone teeth, sticking out of her top lip. Her nose twitched and her hands quavered. Her clothes were shabby with gaping holes and patches lacking their original colors.

"Come again?" Alice's voice quietly replied.

"Would you like some tea, dear?" the woman's face held a broad close-lip smile.

"First, will you tell me where I am?" Alice asked.

"Sit down dear, and have some tea." She sat and smiled wider. Her teeth were yellow and rotted, a few were even missing.

"But please, I just want to know where—"Alice started.

"Tea first." The woman stated firmly, her smiled disappearing. Alice shivered.

"Then you'll tell me where I am?" Alice's breathing slowed.

"Of course dearie." The woman smiled again.

Alice sat the right of the chilling woman.

"Tea?" she asked again with a smile.

"Um – yes please." Alice nodded politely.

"What emotion would you like dear?" the woman asked as she poured the tea into a purple teacup.

"Excuse me?" Alice asked with her eyes moving to the large wooden case the woman pulled out from the chair next to her.

"Which emotion would you like stirred into your tea?" the woman explained.

"None thank you." Alice said, confused on what exactly the woman was offering.

"How brave you are – yes indeed." The woman opened the case.

Inside the case were bottles lined up with different sizes and different liquids. Worn labels were stretched across the belly of each bottle. The woman pulled out a short fat bottle with yellow liquid. A worn label was stretched across it. It said 'Happy' in small bold text. She uncorked the bottle with much effort then poured two small drops of the liquid into her teacup.

"Sugar?" she looked up at Alice's eyes which were transfixed on the bottle. "Dearie?"

"Huh? – I mean yes?" Alice shook her head and stared at the old woman.

"Sugar?"

"Oh, yes. Two please." Alice stared again at the bottle, which the woman had put back into the case.

The woman placed the purple teacup in front of Alice.

"Thank you." Alice brought the cup to her face and took a deep breath of stream into her nose. "Mm vanilla." She took a small sip.

The old woman took a deep gulp of her tea then poured herself some more tea.

"So dearie, you were asking?" she smiled up at Alice.

"I was wondering where am I." Alice explained taking another sip.

"Well you are in my house. Silly girl."

"Yes I understand that –"Alice yawned. "But I mean, in what –"she yawned again before she could finish her sentence.

Alice had become incredibly and suddenly very sleepy. Her eyes drooped and her body slumped against her chair. She tried lifting the teacup in her hand but it slipped smoothly and crashed into the floor, sending thousands of pieces everywhere.

"I know who you are." The woman whispered into Alice's ear. She didn't notice the woman stand up. "You're not like the rest of us. I can smell it on your body. You are different. You are special."

Alice opened her lips to talk, to protest and try to stop the woman but her throat squeaked with no sound coming out.

"Don't worry dearie. I am not going to hurt you. I am going to help you. He'll know what to do – he'll know." The woman's voice faded into the hazy background as Alice's whole world turned into a murky darkness.

Alice awoke on cushion of moss inside a large room. Her eyes fluttered softly, with flashes of the room surrounding her. The floor was covered in velvety short grass.


End file.
